Breathe me
by detective-smartypants
Summary: What if it's not all jokes after 3.07? Jane's thoughts on the events of the day, as she sits on Maura's Sofa.


**I know that there'll be a billion million stories just like this, but as my first Rizzoli & Isles Fic, I decided this was the route I'd like to take! I absolutely loved 3.07 and like most fans was a little bit confused by the humorous ending. I've been thinking about how to tackle my first R&I story for a while and my mind always goes back to Jane, I feel like I need to take a little journey into Jane Rizzoli and how she copes and her strength throughout the series. So without further avail, here's my thoughts. **

_Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is that there's no-one else to blame. _

It had been a long day; possibly the longest since she'd last faced any situations close to the one she'd just experienced. Her mind was filled with a dozen scenarios of how the day could have ended if it had not been for Frost and his computer skills. It had ended as abruptly as it had begun, a hurricane of footsteps and shouting, her brother coming to the rescue, a fake smile planted on an otherwise startled face. It had been the longest day.

After killing Hoyt, the man who had sent her through a rollercoaster of trauma before, Jane hadn't faced the possibility that anything could ever scare her quite like himself, he was her personal boogey man, how could anything possibly live up to that fear?

It had been a long, long day.

She had been to the hospital to have someone look over her, bandage her tired wrists and make sure he hadn't caused any damage, and through it all, she held her own.

That was the thing about Jane Rizzoli; she was strong. Stronger than anyone could ever understand, but possibly weaker now than anyone could ever begin to imagine. She was a wall builder; there was no doubt in that. She liked to pretend that she could handle these situations with a fierce swagger and a small joke, but honestly sometimes lying was harder than the situation itself.

She was now sitting on Maura's sofa, beer in hand and brain in space. She'd been staring at nothing for the longest time, thoughts racing in a speed of colours and fears. She hadn't even noticed the concerned look on her best friends face as she chewed franticly at her nail. She'd make a joke, she'd laugh it off, she'd go home and curl in bed and wake in the night sweating from the memory the day had engraved in her skull.

He took off her clothes.

"The worst part was the outfit. Pink shoes…vomit."

Her voice, of course, hadn't held quite the sarcasm she had hoped for, it was tired and defeated and this caused a silence to ripple through the room.

It had been the longest day.

_Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me. I am small, I'm needy, warm me up and breathe me. _

She glanced quietly at the woman curled up under the blanket with her and sighed. Maura was her best friend, the one person who might have given her the ability to be honest about how she was feeling, yet at this point she couldn't face honesty. How could she possibly explain what she was feeling right now? Disgust? No, it was more than that. She had been exposed, left there vulnerable for everyone to see. He had kissed her, he had touched her, and she couldn't do a thing about it. What had she done to deserve it? Who had she hurt enough to deserve such pain in return. Hoyt had made her feel the same way, he pinned her to the floor for her partner to see. He had broken her a long time ago, but she had somehow managed to pick up those pieces and now…where did she stand? Broken again? She was tired; So, unbelievably tired.

"do you want something to eat? I doubt you've eaten all day." Maura's voice spoke through the haze in her head and made her look away from the nothing she was lost in.

"Honestly," she sighed, looking down at her wrists "I just want to sleep, for about a month."

Maura shuffled to move herself so that she could be closer to her friend, hoping to shield her from her torment. Slowly, she patted a hand to Jane's arm and smiled.

"How are you holding up?"

Jane sighed.

"m'okay. Just done in."

"It's okay not to be okay."

No, it's not.

"honestly, I just need to sleep…"

Jane felt Maura study her for a while and relaxed into the sofa, clutching the blanked that was wrapped around them.

_Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. Yeah I think that I might break, I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe. _

"Here," Maura said, getting up "sleep on here tonight, you look like you're about to pass out. I just need to go and feed bass then I'll leave you to sleep for the night."

Jane smiled at Maura's inevitable hospitality and nodded her head. She couldn't sleep in her own bed anyway.

He kissed her.

By the time she'd settled into the sofa with the pillow Maura had brought her, she was already dozing off into a deep sleep that she knew wouldn't last long.

It was 3am when she began to toss and turn, sweat pouring down her face as horror plagued her dreams.

_He ran his hand over her arm, down her waist, brushed her cheek. His face so close she could feel his chilling breath against her neck. He looked into her eyes with determination; she was his, no one else's. _

_She tried hard to block him out, but he was so close, so strong. _

_His lips plunged against her own, forcing her body to wrack in a sob of fear. _

She shot up, heart pounding, sweat covering every inch of her shaking body. Even in her dreams he violated her.

Next came those cries, the ones she didn't expect, the ones that were so loud they echoed through the house, the ones that caused Maura to run into the room panic struck.

Her whole life, she had held her composure, nothing quite as loud and terrifying as this had ever escaped her body. It even scared Maura, who stood in shock a few metres from the sofa.

She had expected them to end quickly, but it seemed they lasted for as long as that day.

It was such a long day.

Soon enough, a pair of arms wrapped around her, causing her to jump and recoil in fear. It was just Maura trying to calm her down, how could she ever be without Maura, her best friend, her sister, her other half.

It was 5am when Jane had stopped shaking, but she didn't dare go back to sleep, instead she sat with her knees to her chest, Maura rubbing her back to comfort her, putting off her own sleep to help her. She didn't deserve this.

_Be my friend hold me, wrap me up unfold me, I am small I'm needy. Warm me up, and breathe me. _

"I…I'm sorry." She spoke in such a unrecognisable voice. Weak.

"Listen to me, look at me" Maura said with a strictness to her voice "This _will _get easier to deal with, Jane. It will take time, of course, but it's okay for you to be scared and upset, it's okay to cry. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you _human_._" _

Jane silently nodded and sniffed a few times. Soon, this would be in the back of her mind; a file not to be tampered with, sitting beside the one that said Hoyts name. Soon, it would be something she could push past and live with, but not without the help of Maura. This woman was her pillar, she needed to lean on her sometimes and it scared her to admit that.

"Thanks, I just feel like such a baby…y'know? I just wish this was the kind of thing I could laugh about, but it's hard. I can't stop thinking about him, how he…" she stopped, ashamed to continue.

"Talk about it if it helps, I'm here."

"I couldn't defend myself. I thought he was gonna…I felt like I'd failed everything I'd ever learned…how could I be a cop and get myself into these kind of situations? I just wished I'd been able to hit him….I wish I was the one to cuff him, to push him against the wall, but I was so helpless and defeated and you all saw me that way. You all saw me shake and cry, you saw him touching me, you saw him and I'm not sure how people will react when they see me."

"you're strong. You're going to be okay. You're not going to be looked at differently because you are still the same person. I'm always going to be here, don't be afraid to feel."

Jane silently smiled and nodded her head. This was a hard one, but the day was over and she thanked whoever was listening that she had Maura in her life. It was going to be okay.

_Be my friend hold me, wrap me up unfold me, I am small I'm needy. Warm me up, and breathe me. _

**Okay. So, yeah, review?**


End file.
